you’re sitting on a train
looking out the window
at all the things you said
but didn’t really mean
you pass all the jokes you laughed at
without really understanding them
all the jokes you told that weren’t so much jokes
as they were little microaggressions of truth
there’s a long tunnel fast approaching
you pass through it
& are thrust into darkness
travelling at great speed
beneath the immense weight
of all the things you said in an argument
which came out of your mouth
before you really knew what you were saying
exiting the tunnel the light is piercing
& the train shows no sign of stopping
past all the times you said you’d read an article
when in truth you’d only read the headline
followed in quick succession
by all the messages you saw
but didn’t reply to
all the loyalty schemes you signed up to
only to harbour years of frustration
at all the spam
it only seems to be going faster
poems fly past
that were better in the dream
than they were in the first draft
a forest like a screen of trees
the taller ones protruding
chances you had to connect with other humans
but chose to stay at home instead
scenes strobing past the window
posts you retweeted on a whim
rounds of drinks bought for you
that you never got to pay back
amber lights you drove through
knowing they were red
looking around for one of those emergency brakes
to pull & you can’t see one
there is no one else in the carriage: only you
the lack of other voices shocks you
like every time you sang along
to the n word in a song
even though no one heard you
your heart skips a beat at the thought
no, you wouldn’t ever again
the sound of the wheels against the rails
grinds out a constant rhythm
a pulse
every classic piece of literature
you lied about reading
every Hitchcock or Miyazaki film
you lied about seeing
every night you went back to someone’s place
& got into bed with them
even though you were both too drunk to really
know if it was vibe or not
& then
you’re sitting on a train
looking out of the window
thinking
wishing it would stop
& asking yourself
again & again
why a train?