you’re sitting on a train 

looking out the window 

at all the things you said

            but didn’t really mean 

 

you pass all the jokes you laughed at 

without really understanding them 

 

all the jokes you told that weren’t so much jokes

as they were little microaggressions of truth

 

there’s a long tunnel fast approaching 

     you pass through it 

& are thrust into darkness

 

travelling at great speed 

beneath the immense weight

of all the things you said in an argument

which came out of your mouth

before you really knew what you were saying 

 

exiting the tunnel the light is piercing 

& the train shows no sign of stopping

 

past all the times you said you’d read an article

when in truth you’d only read the headline

 

followed in quick succession 

by all the messages you saw 

but didn’t reply to 

 

all the loyalty schemes you signed up to

only to harbour years of frustration

at all the spam 

 

it only seems to be going faster

 

poems fly past 

that were better in the dream 

than they were in the first draft 

 

a forest like a screen of trees

the taller ones protruding 

chances you had to connect with other humans

but chose to stay at home instead

 

scenes strobing past the window

 

posts you retweeted on a whim 

 

rounds of drinks bought for you 

that you never got to pay back

 

amber lights you drove through 

knowing they were red

 

looking around for one of those emergency brakes

to pull & you can’t see one

 

there is no one else in the carriage: only you 

the lack of other voices shocks you 

 

like every time you sang along

to the n word in a song

 

even though no one heard you 

your heart skips a beat at the thought

 

no, you wouldn’t ever again 

 

the sound of the wheels against the rails

grinds out a constant rhythm 

a pulse

 

every classic piece of literature

you lied about reading

 

every Hitchcock or Miyazaki film 

you lied about seeing

 

every night you went back to someone’s place

& got into bed with them

even though you were both too drunk to really 

know if it was vibe or not

& then

 

you’re sitting on a train

looking out of the window

thinking

wishing it would stop 

 

& asking yourself 

again & again

why a train?